My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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