They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
