if i can run in heels then i can drive
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
