Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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