My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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