so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
