Taylor Swift is so right about you.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
