Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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