so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
