Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
What drink are we having for lunch?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
