so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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