my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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