Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
A bitchslap is in order.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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