I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
