i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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