I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize