life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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