yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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