I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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