I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Randomize
