the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
