Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
