onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This baby is an asshole
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
