that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I am spending my child support on dildos
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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