I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize