That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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