so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
