i was born a porn star she said
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
