just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You are the jesus of drinking
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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