Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
