I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
