No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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