I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
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