id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
