I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
