i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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