And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
