The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
