I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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