Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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