What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
