If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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