Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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