Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He shit in the fireplace
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
