don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
