Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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