Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
3 2 1 whiskey
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
