i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
