drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
birth control should be required to get into college
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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