Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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