Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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