On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize