ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
