I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
