Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
accomplished twins. life is a go
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
