If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
