11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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