So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
