as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
