I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
im on a boat
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