It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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